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The Score: John Madden vs. PETA

Friday, November 29, 2002

By Dan Gigler, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

So, did you miss John Madden blathering on and on during football games yesterday? Neither did we. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals didn't either.

In fact, the Philadelphia Daily News reports that one of America's most annoying lobbies got their fur in a bunch after Madden devoured his traditional Thanksgiving Turducken during the telecast of Monday night's Eagles- 49ers game. A Turducken, by the way, is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken.

In a statement, PETA said, "Kindhearted Philadelphia Eagles fans were appalled to see seriously overweight NFL announcer John Madden tear apart a Turducken with his bare hands ...." Kindhearted Eagles fans? Is there such a thing?

After the game, PETA promptly shipped off tofu-based "Tofurky" treats for the announcing crews at CBS and Fox who covered the NFL games yesterday. PETA suggested that the announcers give the game MVPs a slab of soy rather than the turkey legs Madden once dispensed.

This is the same group that once proposed that the team from the frozen tundra change its name the Green Bay "Six-Packers," as homage to that region's brewing history, rather than the meat-packing industry. Gotta give 'em points for creativity.

Carnivores or Herbivores? We get to the meat of the debate when we settle ... THE SCORE

Advantage: Advantage
 TV chalkboardVISUAL AIDEThrowing blood on mink-wearers
Offensive linemenFAVORITE CREATURESAnything that can't talk 
PushHe'd retireWE WISH ...They'd help people insteadPush
FlyingPERSONAL 'F' WORDFur coats 
 Madden 2K2 gameUPSIDEModels in "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ads
 Pat SummerallLONGTIME ALLYMoby
 Long-winded drivelANNOYING TRAITPsychotic militancy
the winner? PETA

By a score of 4-2-1, these results have us in "udder" shock. We can’t stand Madden, but ... PETA?? We might have to go for milk-fed veal chops tonight to help us deal with this new strange bedfellow ...

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