Like many of us here in the Jobless Recovery, I spend a fair amount of time trying to bone up on ways to keep my job, make more money at my job, and ensure that my job is not reassigned to a 19-year-old on another continent who works 14-hour days for 8 cents a week and a pile of banana leaves to sleep on.

I'm especially intrigued by advice articles about what NOT to do/say/think/steal in the workplace, because I have a history of offering candid and sometimes even informed opinions to people higher up the org chart who would rather hear the copier repairman say, "Is that peanut butter?"

But these advice columns seem to be written for 6-year-olds who have not only never held a job before but wouldn't be trusted with the post of second-grade fire drill captain.

You're looking for wise words about the perils of the modern workplace for mid-career professionals, and you get something like this:

Seven Things Not to Say to Your Boss Lest You Torpedo Your Career

1. "I'm only doing this job to support my Home Shopping Network habit."

Your boss wants to believe that you do this job for the sheer uninterrupted joy of it and would gladly do it without any pay whatsoever, which, by the way, is next year's business plan.

2. "I'm not wearing pants today because they've been repossessed."

No one wants to hear about your financial problems, least of all your boss, who is probably responsible for them. So what if you started as an intern and haven't had a raise since? Live within your means, like the government.

3. "As soon as I finish my parole, I am SO outta here." This sort of talk encourages your boss to start looking for your replacement because your departure may be imminent. Limit yourself to threats that are clearly toothless, like "I'm quitting as soon as I win the Powerball" or "My last day is the day my fanfiction gets me a job as head screenwriter on the next 'Star Trek' movie."

4. "I am so hammered."

Yeah. You really want to avoid this one, unless you're a celebutart whose job is to make a spectacle of yourself. Especially in a surgical, aviation or State of the Union context, for heaven's sake, don't TELL anyone.

5. "I didn't do it! I totally didn't do that! It was Dean from accounting! He is always messing with my stuff!"

Pull yourself together. Of course Dean is always messing with your stuff, but he's waiting behind the door to watch you unravel. Say something mature and responsible, like "I don't know how this happened, but I want to get to the bottom of it. Can we appoint a special prosecutor?" or "How much to make this go away? Your daughter's a Girl Scout, right? Will 50 boxes do it?"

6. "This job is so totally boring. YAWN!!"

How did you get this job? How did you get out of kindergarten? How did you not learn that an internal monologue is supposed to remain internal? Maybe you'd prefer a position as a crash-test dummy. And that position would be halfway through a windshield with your knees in the glove box. In the meantime, develop a rich fantasy life. It worked for Kafka.

7. "I'm all messed up on cold medicine right now, so zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

If you're sick, stay home. If you're not that sick, do what you need to do to function -- and functioning starts with remaining conscious. Get some sleep outside work; don't spend the evening at a bar doing Mucinex car bombs.

In other words, don't be an idiot. Don't tell your boss the new initiative is doomed to fail. Don't mention what you used to do with Dean from accounting in the company car. And as you value your paycheck, don't admit you took your revenge on the copier with a jar of Skippy.