Sunday, August 17, 2003

TO: Mayor Murphy
FROM: City Internet Tech Staff
SUBJECT: Web Fund-raising
As per your instructions, we've developed a few prototypes for revenue enhancement to see us through the current difficulties. Mel, our programming wizard, says he knows a guy in Boca Raton who can bulk-send these things. We've based most of them on some mass e-mailings with proven track records. P.S. -- I tried to run this by legal but when I stopped by the office was closed. Are they laid off too? :)

Mailing No. 1:

Subject: URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSITION

DEAR FRIEND,

MY APOLOGIES IF THIS UNEXPECTED CORRESPONDENCE SEEMS ABRUPT. YOUR NAME WAS GIVEN TO ME BY AN ACQUAINTANCE AT THE CONSULATE AS A TRUSTWORTHY PERSON. I AM CORNELIUS MURPHY III, SON OF MAYOR THOMAS MURPHY OF THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF PITTSBURGH. RECENTLY, DUE TO FISCAL TURMOIL IN OUR CITY, MY FATHER WAS FORCED INTO EXILE AND HAD TO ABANDON MANY MUNICIPAL IMPROVEMENT PLANS. BECAUSE OF URGENCIES THAT CANNOT NOW BE EXPLAINED, HE ARRANGED FOR THE TRANSFER OF $30,000,000.00 (THIRTY MILLION) US DOLLARS TO AN ACCOUNT AT A BANK IN HARRISBURG. WE BELIEVE YOU TO BE A RELIABLE INTERMEDIARY TO HELP ARRANGE THE TRANSFER OF THIS MONEY THROUGH THE STATE SENATE AND INTO THE HANDS OF MY FATHER'S ACCOUNTANTS SO THAT OUR REPUBLIC MAY BE SAVED AND ITS CHILDREN AGAIN SWIM.

IN RETURN FOR YOUR HELP, WE ARE PREPARED TO AWARD TO YOU TWENTY-PERCENT OF THIS AMOUNT, OR $3,000 -- OUR PEOPLE ARE NOT STRONG IN MATHEMATICAL SCIENCE -- UPON YOUR SENDING US THE NECESSARY BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERS TO EFFECT THIS TRANSFER. PLEASE NOTE THAT CONFIDENTIALITY IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. WE ALSO HAVE AVAILABLE 102 (ONE HUNDRED AND TWO) POLICE OFFICERS IF YOU CAN USE ANY.

SINCERELY

CON. MURPHY III

Mailing No. 2

Subject: size DOES matter

Embarrassed by your city's budget?

IMPROVE GROWTH IN YOUR PRIVATE SECTOR

Satisfy your civil service employees and avoid disappointment in your political life!

Monetary Viagra Substitute available Online!

No Prescription Needed!

Send $50 to: Office of the Mayor, City County Building, Grant Street, Pittsburgh, Pa.

Mailing No. 3

Subject: Help for Little Tommy

Dear Friend,

I am writing with an unusual request on behalf of a little boy in Pittsburgh we will call Tommy. Tommy was born with a rare fiscal affliction that has left him office-ridden since 1993. Because of his isolation, he rarely gets to play with other mayors. His dream is to enter the Guinness Book of World Records for getting the most get-well cards with checks made out to a municipality.

Won't you please send a card with a check made out to The City of Pittsburgh and pass this note along to others. Send your get-well cards to: Tommy Murphy, City-County Building, Pittsburgh, Pa.

Mailing No. 4

Subject: This Prayer Works!

"Our Heavenly Father, please make it rain $20 and $50 bills atop the City-County Building in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. In return, I promise eternal fealty. Amen."

Say this prayer five times each night for the next five days, then make 20 copies and send them to others with instructions to do the same. If you break the chain, however, terrible things can happen. M. Bloomberg of New York City said the prayer and sent on the letter and two days later found $10 billion in his sock drawer. T. Murphy of Pittsburgh threw this letter away and was later found in the trunk of a city police cruiser.

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