Three days and counting until the greatest made-for-TV event in ESPN history. No, not a replay of "The Junction Boys." We speak, of course, of the NFL draft.
In reality, watching the draft is a lot like watching the talking heads on the "Factor" (except that draft coverage is objective), so you need something to spice it up and give you a justifiable excuse to sit on your duff all afternoon when you should be doing yard work, running errands or at least getting some exercise.
Well, we at Names & Games feel your pain. In our effort to help lazy, beer-drinking football fans everywhere, we present ... the play-at-home NFL draft drinking game!
Accessories needed: A few friends, ample amounts of Iron City or Penn Pilsner, television, pizza and wings delivery number, no plans to do anything important Saturday or Sunday.
RULES
Drink once every time one of the following phrases is uttered, drink twice if Mel Kiper says it:
"Tremendous upside."
"Best athlete available."
"Drafting for need."
"Intangibles."
"Physical specimen."
Any mention of the scouting combine.
40-yard dash times, bench press, vertical leap.
If a player is described as a "project."
Drink twice if:
Your team's picks scroll by on the ticker.
Jets fans boo their first-round pick.
Whenever ESPN cuts to a team's war room. (Drink three times if it's the Cowboys' or Redskins' war room and Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are feigning an in-depth conversation with Bill Parcells or Steve Spurrier to pretend that they are in charge.)
Camera shot of draftee at home with family.
Draftee at podium is wearing an obnoxiously colored suit (green, purple, yellow, sharkskin), a derby hat or hopelessly gaudy jewelry.
Draftee at podium pulls on jersey of new team with number "1" on it.
Kiper calls a pick a "steal" because he had him listed higher on his draft board.
Chris Berman segues from a pick with a contemplative pause and then says something like, "Hmmm ... an interesting pick for [team] at this stage of the draft."
A player from a college you've never heard of is picked.
Kiper's Balti-moron accent starts getting on your nerves.
Tom Jackson lets slip one of those high- pitched giggles that sound funny coming from a former middle linebacker.
Joe Theismann and Shannon Sharpe don't utter a word for more than 15 seconds.
Draft pick slips because of "personal problems."
The highlight footage of a first-round pick makes him look like the single greatest player to put on a helmet and play the game of football. Keep in mind: Even Jamain Stephens footage was like this.
It's deep into the fifth round and you're convinced Kiper is just making stuff up because no one could possibly know that much about an offensive tackle from Northern Idaho State.
Situation rules:
Paul Tagliabue makes a pick announcement: social! Raise glasses and take a nip.
Cincinnati makes someone its first-round pick: Raise your glass and say "Stinks to be you, pal!" to the poor schmuck who just had his career ended before it even starts.
Any mention of "war room": Scream at the top of your lungs, "THIS IS NOT WAR, THIS IS FOOTBALL. WAR IS REAL AND THIS IS NOT."
Your team is on the clock -- Mini "Power Hour" time! Drink a shot of beer for each minute that elapses.
Trade! Break out the beer bong!
Pound a beer if some general manager, i.e. Bill Tobin, chews out Mel Kiper.
Chug your beer if Steve Spurrier picks a Florida player that he recruited. Chug another one if he gives an interview in his "Aw shucks" Southern accent and you can see the devil horns popping out of his head.
Larry Johnson is chosen. Bust city! Pour a 40 oz. into the ground in memory of Ki-Jana Carter, Curtis Enis, Blair Thomas and D.J. Dozier.
Any Pitt player is chosen. IMMEDIATELY turn on local sports talk radio to hear Panther nation harp about why this player wasn't picked higher and/or the Steelers didn't pick him. Then pahnd an Ahrn.
The Steelers pick a quarterback in the first round: Call off work for the next week and break out the Jack Daniels. It's party time. Also, check to see if hell has indeed frozen over. Heads up for flying livestock.
The Steelers pick a lineman in round one. Stop the presses. Gimme an I.C. Light.
When it's all over, pour a cold one and make a toast because football season has officially begun. You'll be heading up to Latrobe on a sunny summer afternoon before you know it.
DISCLAIMER
This is satire and not to be taken seriously. The author does not take responsibility if you end up hunched over a toilet, miss work with a hangover, make ill-advised passes at women, tell your buddies you love them in a manly sort of way, make a bet that you can open a beer bottle with your teeth or any other asinine behavior/legal pickles that might ensue from somebody unable to handle his suds. This means you, buster.
Know when to say when ... names@post-gazette.com
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