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Perfect 10: "Saturday Night Live" Sports Skits!

Monday, January 27, 2003

By Dan Gigler, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

For those uninterested in the Super Bowl halftime show of Shania, pyrotechnics and sparkly things, NBC offered a live version of "Saturday Night Live's" weekend update anchor Tina Fey giving us her best geek chic humor, and it wasn't bad. Certainly it was better than Celine Dion singing "God Bless America" during pregame (she's French Canadian for cripes sake!) Anyway, the not-ready-for prime-time players are near and dear to our hearts, because when us night-owl reporter types get home from work late at night, about the only good thing on is SNL re-runs on Comedy Central. We would watch "Wild On!" on E!, but it just depresses us, especially with how the weather has been. Okay, we're starting to rant like a certain Castle Shannon native, so we'll cut to the chase and go live from Page 2, it's the Perfect 10 ... "Saturday Night Live" sports skits!

10. The Referee Pitman show. Inept Ref [John Goodman] takes questions from the fans ...
Host: Okay. Next question for the Ref.
Audience Member: Hi. Great show, Ref. My boy and I were wondering what it's like for you to have no soul. And also, what do you use to fill up your body where the soul would be? Now, is that human excrement, or dog excrement?
Ref: [chuckles] I wish I had a dime for every time I was asked that one!

9. Monday Night Football. A Dennis Miller [Jimmy Fallon] rant:
"Well folks, tonight's pigskin competition will involve more offensive strategy than an Albert Spier-designed German blitzkrieg! On one side, you've got Dennis Green, a draft pick virtuoso, not to mention a guy who stole Eldridge Cleaver's afro! Ha ha! On the other side of the ball, we've got Bucko's skipper Tony Dungy, who created a pass rush just as volatile as Dennis Hopper after a three-day crystal meth binge, babe! ... If Tampa Bay loses tonight, they'll be understudies in the Boca Raton dinner theater production of Les Mis with Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean! Isn't that right, Albino?"

8. All Drug Olympics. Live in Bogota for the weightlifting finals, is Kevin Nealon:
"Getting ready to lift now is Sergei Akmudov of the Soviet Union. His trainer has told me that he's taken anabolic steroids, Novocaine, Nyquil, Darvon and some sort of fish paralyzer. Also, I believe he's had a few cocktails within the last hour or so. All of this is, of course, perfectly legal at the All-Drug Olympics, in fact it's encouraged. Akmudov is going for a clean and jerk of over 1,500 pounds, which would triple the existing world record. That's an awful lot of weight and here he goes ... Oh! He pulled his arms off! He's pulled his arms off! That's gotta be disappointing to the big Russian!"

7. George F. Will's Sports Machine. Mike Schmidt [Corbin Bernsen] and Tommy Lasorda [Jon Lovitz] on Will's [Dana Carvey] quiz show ...
Will: And the categories are: "Baseball as Narrative," "Aristotle and Comiskey," "Joyce Carol Oates," "Left Field: Myth or Monopeia?" ... and "Pot Luck." Mike, choose a category.
Schmidt: Uh ... "Pot Luck."
Will: Very well. Like freedom, baseball is that stake where energy and order merge, and all complexity is purified into a simple coherence. Piffle, or not piffle?
Schmidt: Uh ... piffle?
Will: That is correct, it's absolute piffle. It's baseball's complexity, not its purity, that instills in us our freedom, and you have $100.
Lasorda: Hey, wait a minute! What's this piffle crap? What kind of question is that?

6. Spartan Cheerleaders. Arianna [Cheri Oteri] and Craig [Will Ferrell] give the Perfect Cheer ...
Together: Roll call! Cha cha bootchee, cha cha cha-boochee! Roll call!
Craig: Hey! Who's that Spartan in my teepee?
Arianna: It's me! It's me!
Craig: Who's that Spartan in my teepee?
Arianna: It's me! It's me! I'm Arianna, I have team spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out!
Together: Cha cha bootchee, cha cha cha bootchee! Roll call!
Craig: My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a Spartan, so check me out!

5. Synchronized Swimming. Brothers Gerald [Harry Shearer] and Lawrence [Martin Short in water wings -- classic!] vie to be the first male synchronized swimmers ...
Gerald: Oh, it's not going to be easy. My brother and I know. Men have never done synchronized swimming in a sanctioned competition in this country. Officially, it's got like a zero acceptance rate.
Lawrence: I don't swim.
Gerald: Lawrence doesn't swim. So, I mean, no, of course not. No one's going to just walk up and hand us a gold medal. Men's synchro isn't even in the '88 Olympics yet.
Lawrence: That's OK, because we could use the time. 'Cause I'm not ... I'm not that strong a swimmer.
Gerald: But I mean, that just means, you know, for '92, we're a lock for the gold.

4. ESPN SportsCenter. Stuart Scott [Tim Meadows] is paired with new anchor Chet Harper [Ray Romano] ...
Stuart: Well, the Lakers and the Sonics, at the Forum, two of the favorites in '99. So, who's it going to be in Y2K? Well, Shaq weighed in with his opinion -- Boo-yah! Boo-yah! Boo-yah! That's right! Shaq-Daddy with 37 points. He sends an invitation to the Finals party, and it says "B.Y.O.B." "Bring Your Own Boo-yah!" The Lakers destroy the Sonics, 114-82. Chet?
Chet: Thank you, Stuart! Latest talk is that David Robinson is over the hill. But in my book, you gotta get to White Castle before the weirdoes show up! Tonight at the Alamodome, he gets Happy-Go-Jackie on the big white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown as the Spurs beat the Heat, 86-79! Stuart!

Stuart: ... "Sweet Sassy Molassey?"

3. Bill Swerski's SuperFans. Live from Ditka's Grill, the Super Fans, Swerski [Joe Mantegna], Pat Arnold [Mike Myers], Todd O'Connor [Chris Farley], and Carl Wollarski [Bob Smigel] handicap da Bears-Giants game ...
Swerski: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this: What if da Bears were all 14 inches tall, you know, about so high? Now, what's your score of today's game?
Wollarski: Bears 18, Giants 10. And that would finally be a good game.
Arnold: Yeah, it would be a good game. Mini Bears 24, Giants 14.
O'Connor: What about Ditka? Would he be mini, too?
Swerski: No, he would be full-grown.
O'Connor: Oh, then, uh.. Mini Bears 31, Giants 7.
Wollarski: Oh, hold on. Then I change mine, too. I thought it was Mini Ditka.

2. Little Chocolate Donuts. John Belushi's Olympic training table ...
Announcer: John Belushi is on his way to a gold medal in the Decathlon!
Belushi: [seated at breakfast table smoking a cigarette] I logged a lot of miles training for that day. And I downed a lot of doughnuts. Little Chocolate Donuts. They taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.
Announcer: Little Chocolate Donuts. The donuts of champions.

1. The Claudine Longet Invitational. Tom Tryman [Chevy Chase] and Jessica Antlerdance [Jane Curtain] cover the Spider Sabitch style men's freestyle skiing competition ...
Tryman: Here comes the man to beat, Jean-Paul Baptiste. A 28-year-old from Verne, Switzerland ... he's doing very well -- and there's a very nice move -- I would say, at this halfway point, he's going to take third, or maybe even second place [shot rings out] Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!
Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom ... [second shot] Oh, no! That one got him, he's down! No, he's down this time ... No, he's getting up! Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.
Tryman: I can't believe he's going for the finish line ... and [third shot] Oh, no! Again, he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and this time, I think he's down to stay, Jessica.

Ready for prime time ... names@post-gazette.com.

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