On the eve of the third year of the 21st Century (actually the second year if you want to get technical) we sincerely hope that for the inhabitants of the third stone from the sun, that the events that transpire in the next 365-day period is much better than the last one.
To that end, and with all homage paid to one of our late-night heroes, Conan O'Brien, we'll turn out the lights, shine the flashlight in our face, and when the guy with the high voice sings "In the year two-thousand-three..." we'll present to you a whole buncha Relatively Meaningless ...
To the surprise of absolutely no one, the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck union never makes it to the altar. Needing to complete her collection of men that already includes a black superstar rapper (P. Diddy) and a white superstar actor (Affleck), Lopez is seen in the stands at a Rockets-Knicks game and spotted by tabloid photographers at trendy Houston haunts, nuzzling with Asian superstar hoopster Yao Ming. The New York Daily News headline screams: "J-LOW POST" while the N.Y. Post counters with "JENNY FROM THE BLOCK-ed SHOTS."
Tired of consistently being beaten out in signing derbies for Ichiros and Matsuis by big-market teams, the Pirates, in a move wildly popular with local fans, tap a heretofore virgin baseball market: Poland. The Pirates sign Warsaw Onions reliever Stanislav Bandurski to a multiyear contract, and acquire Krakow Komrades power hitter Stush Mondzelewski for a cash payment of $10,000 and a metric ton of ball bearings.
Always looking to skew younger in the ratings, and never ones to let facts get in the way of good entertainment, the folks at ESPN Original Entertainment sign action star Vin Diesel to the leading role in an updated version of the Jackie Robinson story. The film's slogan: "They said he couldn't play; now he says they'll pay!" Wiseacre Chris Tucker co-stars as Robinson's Brooklyn Dodgers teammate Don Newcombe.
Criticized heavily for not taking stands on social issues, an incensed Tiger Woods vows that he will never play golf in the state of Mississippi again after Sen. Trent Lott says that if Strom Thurmond had been elected president 50 years ago, "we wouldn't have had all these problems today with Nike-wearing, Buick-driving, American Express card members."
After nearly four years on the run, a neighbor finds the dogs who were inadvertently let out of every arena and stadium in America. After a scolding, the dogs were allowed to roam in a newly fenced-in yard, with a pet door. Any stadium entertainment directors who play the song again will be summarily shot, in accordance with the recently passed Baha Men Act of 2003.
Because of rolling blackouts in the southwestern United States, the Arizona cryogenics lab that holds the frozen remains of Ted Williams has a power outage and the Splendid Splinter becomes the Premium Puddle. In an ironic twist, John Henry Williams is left to die in the Mojave Desert and his carcass is picked apart by all manner of vultures and scavengers.
The Steelers end decades of tradition by hiring female cheerleaders. Clad in cut-off jean shorts, work boots, beaters and hard hats, the girls pay homage to a Steel City classic by taking the squad name, The Pittsburgh Steeler Flashdancers. What a feeling!
In a last-ditch effort to wipe out war, the United Nations adopts the BCS formula to determine world rankings. Margin of victory is eliminated, with heavier emphasis placed on strength-of-schedule, common opponents and quality wins.
In a shock to the entire planet, the new rankings are as follows:
1. Sri Lanka
2. Nebraska
3. Belarus
4. The United States
5. Paraguay
Sri Lanka trounces Nebraska in the Orange Bowl and the small island nation begins a dynasty of global economic and military dominance. In an footnote, No. 18 Iraq accepts a bid to play unranked Bosnia in the Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl.
Released from prison and clean from a stay in rehab, wily Chicago White Sox fans William Ligue Jr. and his son join the cast of MTV's hit guerrilla-comedy show "Jackass."
Pete Rose is welcomed back to baseball only to be kicked out again in disgrace when, on the eve of his induction at Cooperstown, it is learned that he made a killing at the MGM Grand sports book, which had given 9-to-1 odds that he would not be reinstated.
The new Pittsburgh Convention Center is a finalist, but because of a lack of available hotel space, ultimately loses out in its bid to be the host of the 2003 "Shawn Kemp illegitimate kids and baby-mama" convention.
On Bizarro world, the Cincinnati Bengals win a record sixth consecutive Super Bowl while the Pirates finally capture the Series crown from the hated Devil Rays in what has become an annual fall classic meeting. In other news, the Yankees fold.
After another season of declining ratings, ABC Sports executives, at wits' end, replace John Madden and Al Michaels with the play-by-play and sideline crew from the popular Japanese cooking show "Iron Chef." Famed Soccer announcer Andres Cantor is added to scream "GOOOAAAAAAALLL!!!" after every touchdown.
And, the final long shot prediction for 2K3 ...
Sanity embraces the nation and we ease up on the throttle of our obsession with sports and remember the reasons why we love the games in the first place -- not to drink, gamble, argue on talk radio, wait for the next scandal and whine about player salaries (fun as they all are to do) -- but to admire amazing athletes doing amazing things with their bodies that we could only dream of, cheer on our hometown teams and enjoy the release that sports gives us from the true harsh realities of everyday life.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Happy New Year! ... names@post-gazette.com.
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