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Friday, April 18, 2003

The forlornly anticipated number of first-time jobless claims for last week, thought to resemble 10,000, came in at 30,000 yesterday, and if you thought the economy was fully toilet-immersed before that, wait until it absorbs the full impact of a third Michael Jordan retirement in eight years.

Jordan retired again Wednesday, and in admittedly micro-economic terms, the effect on the Washington Wizards alone is expected to approximate 5,000 fewer tickets sold per game, and even that assumes there are 15,000 goofs in the greater Washington D.C. area willing to pay handsomely to witness an ongoing train wreck of a franchise not even Jordan himself could prevent.

While the availability of Jordan in baggy shorts has long been a leading economic indicator, there will be no shortage of them in his absence, and each points the other way from bullish (is it wizardish?).

For one example, look no further than the rifle team at West Virginia University, which will soon enough cease to exist, along with the track team and the men's tennis and cross country teams. A last-minute attempt to sustain some semblance of the competition through an as-yet-unsanctioned NCAA sport involving rackets, running and rifles simultaneously, dissolved in anarchy, but at least not in gunfire.

West Virginia said it needed to save $600,000.

Similarly, the PG reported yesterday that Edinboro University will be discontinuing its men's and women's tennis programs after their current seasons. We can only hope the region's collective sports psyche can adjust to these disappearances, and there is evidence that it can. Duquesne, for example, discontinued men's basketball sometime in the early '90s without anybody really noticing.

All across the sportscape, regular folks are desperate for cash.

Amy Zaccardi, the Minneapolis traffic cop who got nudged by a vehicle operated by Minnesota Vikings' excitable wideout Randy Moss last year, is reportedly seeking $50,000 for emotional distress, assault and negligence, and an apology from No. 84. I'm guessing, however, should she get the $50,000, she might just let Moss slide on the act of contrition and settle for five Hail Marys.

The University of Pittsburgh's cost-cutting consciousness was on blinding display this week with the hiring of Jamie Dixon to coach the defending Big East Conference tournament champion men's basketball team. Not only did the Dixon selection save the athletic department hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for the foreseeable future, it cut to next-to-nothing the program's projected March travel expenses.

I needn't remind you of the Florida Marlins' release of mascot Billie T. Marlin (and his $80,000 in compensation), and the Disney Company's shedding of the Anaheim Angels, World Series Champions but bottom-line bums, to fill out the whole sorry picture.

The one positive economic aspect of having Jordan in retirement, however, is the very tangible impact on the financial markets associated with the possibility that Jordan could unretire at any moment.

I know he said, "I really feel it's definitely it," this time, meaning the end of the greatest NBA career in history. But that's a long way from "I really, really feel it's definitely, definitely it," not to mention any number of additional befuddling modifiers.

Even as his court life ended in Philadelphia the other night, Jordan again gave every indication that he just can't get over himself.

"The Philly people did a great job," he told The Associated Press after scoring 15 points in a typically desultory Wizards spanking by the 76ers.

A great job? Did he expect them to boo? Who does he think he is, Santa Claus?

"Obviously, they wanted to see me make a couple of baskets and then come off. That was very, very respectful."

Evidently, after six NBA championships and five MVP awards, and 32,292 career points -- at what, $10,000 a point would be one guess -- Jordan still feels a pang for respect. Since it doesn't appear he'll get it from any front-office aptitudes, I think you may fully expect Jordan IV: the final, final, really, really, definitely, definite retirement for some time in 2005.

I'll give Jordan's absence from the national sports spotlight until about Thanksgiving, when rumors that he's working out first surface in the Chicago Tribune. After that, the typical breathless headlines:

BARKLEY: 'JORDAN HINTS AT COMEBACK.'

JORDAN DENIES COMEBACK PLANS.

JORDAN 'JUST SHOOTING AROUND' 14 HOURS A DAY.

JORDAN 'GETTING ANTSY' -- BARKLEY

JORDAN 'IN BEST SHAPE OF HIS LIFE' -- BARKLEY.

BARKLEY 'IN WORST SHAPE OF HIS LIFE' -- JORDAN.

BARKLEY 'NOT ALWAYS CRAZY' -- JORDAN.

BARKLEY: 'THE HELL I AIN'T.'

JORDAN, BULLS MEET SECRETLY.

JORDAN, BULLS MEET IN TIMES SQUARE.

JORDAN, BULLS ANNOUNCE WORLD-WIDE LAUNCH OF HIGH END JORDAN RESTAURANTS TO COINCIDE WITH MJ'S COMEBACK.

JOBLESS CLAIMS HIT 12-MONTH LOW.