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Why can't we figure it out already?

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

By Joe Donatelli

With dating shows being broadcast 'round the clock, a multitude of books written on the topic and thousands of years of human experience to draw upon, you'd think men and women would have reached a consensus by now on what definitively constitutes a date.

	Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette

But that simply isn't the case.

Take my friend Brian, whose story is becoming typical. Brian lives in Chicago and recently asked a woman out to see a musical -- "42nd Street."

This is monumental. Huge. A musical on the first date. Brian deserves some kind of award for this. He gets the "Lloyd Dobler Award for Creative Courting That Makes All Other Guys Look Lame." He has raised the bar for us all.

He and his date had a lovely time.

The only problem was, Brian's date didn't know she was his date.

One week later he received a check in the mail for $56 -- the cost of her ticket. Since then, he has been stuck in platonic limbo. She pretends the date never happened.

Something needs to be done. Brian is not alone. I've heard too many stories from other men and women who went on what they thought were dates that turned out to be 1) an expensive night "hanging out" 2) a free meal.

The first step we must take is to create guidelines as to what makes a date a date. (The fact that we even need to discuss this is sad, but it's necessary. If you have anything to contribute to this inquiry, e-mail me at DonatelliJ@shns.com and I will post your submissions at www.joedonatelli.com.)

The rules, as I see them, are thus:

If you are both single, not platonic friends and eat a restaurant-quality meal together -- you're on a date.

If you see a movie together after 9 p.m. -- you're on a date.

If you meet for drinks after 10 p.m. -- you're on a date.

If you bump into her while out with friends and meet later for a meal, it is in fact a date -- even though your actions were not premeditated.

If he picks you up in his car -- it's a date. If the car has been washed and waxed in the last 24 hours -- it's most certainly a date.

If either of you purchase new clothing beforehand -- it's a date.

If she shaves her legs -- no doubt -- it's a date.

If you turn off your cell phone -- you're on a date. (If you leave your cell phone on and are not a doctor, single parent or "24's" Jack Bauer, you are no longer on a date. You are just wasting the other person's time.)

If the movie you're watching features 1) Julia Roberts 2) Reese Witherspoon 3) Helen Hunt -- you're on a date.

If the restaurant you're eating at has a photo of Frank Sinatra shaking hands with the owner -- you're on a date.

If the man brings flowers -- date.

If he maintains eye contact with you even though the Miller Lite girls are wrestling in a fountain behind you -- that's a date.

If he walks you to your doorstep -- it's a date. If there is kissing -- definitely a date.

If he calls you the next day -- you were on a date.

If you ask him for his address so you can send him a check, you need to think about why you agreed to go out in the first place.

A man doesn't take a woman to a musical dreaming of the day she will give him sweet, fulfilling, soul-satisfying financial reimbursement.

Joe Donatelli writes about his travels on the Gen-X landscape. Contact him at www.joedonatelli.com.