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Best way to click with women is to be like a gay man

Thursday, September 26, 2002

By Joe Donatelli

My friend "Alvin" used to have a hard time dating. ("Alvin" isn't his real name. I don't think "Alvin" is anyone's real name.)

	(Illustration by Ted Crow, Post-Gazette)

Anyway, Alvin had little luck with the ladies. He was a good-looking guy with a sense of humor, smart, the whole deal. But he was a NICE GUY.

You know how much women like dating nice guys. About as much as not-nice guys like rolling down the strip in mom's station wagon. The pickup is awkward, they go too slow, and you're embarrassed to be seen with one.

So in what might be the most dazzling burst of genius of the late 20th century, Alvin decided that if he was going to meet more women, he'd have to act like the kind of man more women want to meet.

The kind of man women want to brunch with.

And shop for shoes with.

And kibitz with.

So ... Alvin went gay.

He still preferred the company of women. But when it came to the opposite sex, he dropped his "meathead" frat boy routine, studied the way women talk to each other and, in his own words, became a "big, cuddly Backstreet Boy."

As he so eloquently put it, "You have to act like you understand women from their point of view, a k a you know about fashion, like 'Moulin Rouge,' art, that kind of crap."

Instead of dinner, he'd ask women out on what he termed a "not-a-date," such as lunch, which is a less-threatening situation where women are more likely to let their guard down.

"Here you actually want to talk about feelings, ex-girlfriends and that kind of stuff because it shows you care," Alvin said. "This is a not-a-date with her not-a-prospective-boyfriend so you want to seem as nonthreatening as you can."

He'd casually suggest they get together for a drink. On this second not-a-date, Alvin would order a Mai Tai or a strawberry daiquiri -- no beer or scotch.

"When she's completely let down her guard, you pounce," Alvin said. "Just sort of naturally say how much you want to be with her. Or just wait for the goodnight kiss and completely turn her world 180 degrees. By this point you've been turning the charm on so much that she's ecstatic that you're not gay."

You know, I don't use the word brilliant often, but ... this is BRILLIANT!

At no point did Alvin act "gay" in any demeaning, stereotypical sense. Women just assumed he was because he didn't talk about his car, football or the latest "Star Wars" re-release. He simply took advantage of women's affection for gay men, an affection that runs deep.

As a good friend of mine once said, "They notice when you have a new outfit or new hair. They remember birthdays, anniversaries and, most important, your name. They can multi-task like a woman. They don't care about sports. They know more about 'Trading Spaces' than Vern Yip or Paige Davis.

"Their clothes are pressed, hair gelled. They are always up for a manicure or pedicure. Unlike your girlfriends, they never borrow your clothes or have PMS.

"They are hot. The hot ones are always gay."

Here it is, men, the answer to the eternal question: What do women want?

They want Alvin.

"Constantly compliment her on her outfit, makeup or hair smell," Alvin advised me. "Try to memorize shampoo smells so you can pick hers out."

It works. Alvin's girlfriend can attest to that.