Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Americans are obsessed with celebrities. We are less obsessed with politicians, unless they have colorful personal lives. People will attend a football game where the beer guy loses fingers to frostbite and seats have to be shoveled, but drizzle keeps them from the polls.

Interestingly, though, celebrities and politicians are obsessed with one another. Politicians want to be on late-night talk shows. Actors and musicians want to get off their Harleys, put down their saxes and run for office.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California. The bassist from Nirvana may run for Washington state lieutenant governor, against an incumbent who plays in a band.

In this age of infotainment, how can the fans -- pardon me, viewers, er, voters -- resist?

With election turnouts sliding and interest in reality-shot contests strong, maybe we should embrace it as our destiny.

So, we prefer people who are hot, folksy or gutsy to wonky eggheads. So what? At least when most of our elected and appointed officials are celebrities, we'll know their names.

I gaze into my crystal ball ($12.95 on eBay) and view news of 2026 ...

"Washington's epidemic of aggressive panhandling is being cited as the reason for yesterday's historic announcement by the White House that has sent shockwaves around the world, particularly to publishers, cartographers and travel agents.

" 'The city had become completely unlivable and unworkable, and the government could no longer reliably transact business,' said Sen. Cameron Diaz, D-Calif. 'Security is completely overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of panhandlers. One of them was inadvertently recognized during a debate in the House and told a long story about how his car needed a new fuel pump before finally yielding the floor. When the president's chief of staff was accosted in the West Wing and asked for bus fare, we decided something had to be done.'

"In a press conference held on the set of 'Live! With Trista and Ryan,' President Tiger Woods announced that, for the first time since 1800, the capital of the United States will be moved.

" 'After consulting with a bipartisan commission and the city's convention and visitors bureau, I have decided to relocate the nation's capital to Las Vegas,' " Woods said. 'Construction is under way on a new White House and capitol complex with nightly entertainment, an Old West theme and a 420-room luxury hotel and spa. This will cost the taxpayers nothing; we anticipate no trouble finding corporate sponsors.'

"It is believed the move will facilitate Congress' proposed remedy for the depletion of Social Security by the massive baby boom generation now draining it dry. A bill sponsored by Colorado Sen. Eminem would institute nationwide nightly bingo games. The bill has strong support in Congress in the wake of the success of Pennsylvania's "Slots for Schools" program, instituted across the country in 2020.

"A similar bill to fund Medicare with proceeds from video poker has been criticized by Surgeon General Dr. Phil.

"Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Jessica Lynch has announced that a military draft would need to be reintroduced in order to ensure adequate troop strength for continued U.S. occupation of Iraq, Syria, Iran, Congo, Chad, Indonesia, Lebanon, the Philippines and Quebec.

"Iraq Gov. Ben Affleck has conceded that unrest has been mounting there since he replaced the late Gov. Bruce Willis earlier this year.

"But in brighter news from the Middle East, Disney Holy Land is set to open on schedule next month with a ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by Secretary of State Oprah Winfrey and heavy air support.

"A convicted Internet spammer on death row is taking his case to the Supreme Court, calling the imposition of the death penalty 'c/r/u/e/l and unusual.'

"Attorney General Greta Van Susteren filed a friend of the court brief reading, in part, 'I don't care how many body parts he is responsible for enlarging. Fry him!' Chief Justice Judy has not commented on the case except to say Van Susteren should 'keep her collagen mouth shut.'

"Finally, Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Cowher presided over groundbreaking for a massive strip-mining operation to include the entire city.

"The displaced population was given transportation out of town on the last two city buses, though one arrived at the ceremony 45 minutes late. 'With this new revenue,' Cowher announced, 'we hope to complete the Mon-Fayette Expressway by 2028.'

"His remarks were followed by praise from special guest Energy Secretary Regis Philbin."

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