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Christina should stop playing with that skanky hose

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Christina Aguilera
Los Angeles, Calif.
July 6, 2003

Dear Christina,

How are you? I am fine.

Right, like you care.

Christina Aguilera's current look features raven hair and a bit of cleavage for the "Stripped/Justified Tour." (Rob Schumacher, Arizona Republic via AP)
Click photo for larger image.

I came across an item in your hometown newspaper, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and it compelled me to correspond, as this item filled me with angst, bathos, possibly pathos, evident ennui, and definitely excess stomach acid. I'll come right to the point.

What is this stuff with the hose?

I know it's probably a long story, but I've got time. I'm writing to you, after all.

Your latest music video, the paper says, has been deemed too explicit for MTV, which is, frankly, a staggering accomplishment. Congratulations. I can't even imagine what might be too explicit for MTV. What happens? Does someone, like, crawl into bed and read a book or something?

Anyway, I know you're not too upset about it. At least the video wasn't absorbed into the rotting culture with no censorial comment, thus netting perhaps one-tenth the amount of publicity it's getting for being groundbreakingly naughty. If bored, cranky columnists are giving it 700 words, you know you got it goin' on.

Whatever that means.

According to the New York Post, MTV was "particularly offended by a scene in which Aguilera plays suggestively with a water hose."

Was it a garden hose? I'll bet it was. And that, to be perfectly candid, is why I'm writing.

I, too, have done suggestive things with a garden hose. And a dog. Therefore, I empathize. That's right. I not only sympathize, I empathize. The painful truth is, Christina, as you've become all too aware, you can do suggestive things with a garden hose without even being aware of it.

Just this week, I added another 75 feet of hose to the old green-on-white snake that attaches to the back of the house, just so that I could stretch the whole reptilian assemblage all the way around the building to water some plants out front that have about as much chance at a full life as Britney Spears has of being named ambassador to Uzbekistan.

It was a highly suggestive act. It suggests that I'm an idiot. Here I am with 75 feet of the new self-coiling garden hose (how lazy have we grown, Christina, when we can no longer be troubled to coil our own garden hose? You weren't coiling in that video, were you? Was that it? Coilus interruptus?) I should get a watering can. You can't be too suggestive with a watering can. Well, maybe you can.

Wait a minute while I think about that.

OK. Now about the dog. Have you thought about highly suggestive play with a hose and a dog? Of course you have. But again, I managed it without even being conscious of it.

The dog is a Labrador retriever, a breed so named because it is bred to retrieve fish and fowl from watery environs. Modern Labs know how to do this instinctively, but my own post-modern Lab has never had the pleasure. She's never really seen a body of water. A body of bath water; that's it. Her only aquatic experience, other than with her bowl, is with the hose.

Mind you, the hose is but an occasional presence around the mansion. It has no urgent purpose. There is no in-ground pool, no out-ground pool, no inflatable kiddie pool anymore. The hose's lone remaining purpose is to spray the grime off some long-stored item, something about which your mom would have said, "Oh God; this thing needs the hose." Sometimes, the dog needs the hose.

When I spray the hose in the dog's presence, the dog goes primal, Christina. You really ought to try this. My Lab, Lucifer, can be made available for video shoots at the shockingly affordable industry-friendly rate of $5,000 per hour. My Lab knows there's something about that spray that goes to the very core of her existence. She leaps. She snarls. She wants to swallow the most intense spray, right down the gullet. MTV would blanch. It's as if she knows there's some dark secret about the hose: "There are fish in there?" I think she thinks. "No, there are ducks in there! I'm goin' in! And by the way, what's a fish? What's a duck?"

Anyway, good luck with that next video. Have you thought about a slip 'n' slide? Wait, don't tell me.


Armando in Pittsburgh (wink, wink).

Gene Collier can be reached at gcollier@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1283.

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