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Friday, August 21, 1998 By Tony Norman
President Clinton could've mixed a little more contrition into his mea culpa Monday night. But I'm convinced only a speech ending with "I killed Vince Foster and danced on his grave with a naked Monica Lewinsky" would've satisfied his harshest critics on the right.
So, in the interest of public tranquility, I've taken the liberty of writing the only speech that would have put an end to this thing once and for all -- and, no, I am not auditioning for the Tribune-Review:
"Good evening. I hesitate to address you as 'my fellow Americans' because what I've done in this office is so far beyond the pale that I don't deserve to be called an American. I'm a grub, a worm.
"It would be more appropriate that I spoke to you in the language of my Soviet handlers, but I only know enough Russian to say 'Comrade Hillary is working on that, sir.'
"Fortunately, groveling is a universal language everyone, including eccentric billionaires and independent counsels, can understand.
"I come to you tonight with a heavy heart, and a head ringing with the sound of a recently applied rolling pin. I feel bad about what I've done, but I lied because I was afraid of the righteous indignation of the American people.
"There comes a time in every citizen's life when stepping up to the plate to accept full responsibility for actions committed in a post-hypnotic trance isn't an option, but an obligation.
"No, scratch that. I was not hypnotized when I, you know, did whatever I did with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. See how I am? I'm dissembling when I should be laying out my every dirty thought for inspection by my political opponents and their vassals in the press.
"But I've forfeited my right to sympathy, haven't I? Forcing Ken Starr to pursue me and my peccadillos from Little Rock motels to the Oval Office must have been emotionally draining for him. If my relentless flight from justice has placed an undue burden on his pristine conscience, I apologize.
"But I'm cornered now, and I might as well 'fess up. As you know, I've been accused of many crimes and misdemeanors. Tonight, I'll cop to some of them:
"When I was governor, Hillary and I made millions from an obscure land deal called Whitewater, but we blew it all in one crazy weekend in Las Vegas.
"We also iced our friend Vince Foster to cover up Hillary's involvement in a shady loan deal involving the McDougals.
"We also took money from the Chinese to assure my reelection, an unprecedented bit of influence peddling as far as the Republicans are concerned, I'm sure.
"The dog I've been photographed with recently isn't even the real Buddy. It's a clone. Buddy disappeared one night and only Socks knows what happened and why. It's all very strange, very gothic. But that's how things happen when you're from Arkansas.
"Tomorrow, I will walk into the Rose Garden and shoot myself. I will make it look like a suicide. In my absence, Comrade Hillary will run the country.
"Vice President Gore will be too busy fending off an independent counsel's probe of his Buddhist temple fund-raising debacle to mount a proper run for the presidency in 2000.
"With any luck, the Republicans will control both Congress and the presidency after the next election. I'm a firm believer that the people should get exactly what they deserve."
Tony Norman's e-mail is tnorman@post-gazette.com
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